Getting my chop on and Paella

Slicing, dicing, chopping, the rhythm of the repetitive movement so relaxing and the cheapest kind of therapy I can get.

I do it slowly and calmly, winning no races, just chop chop chopping.

I love getting everything prepared so I can just put it all in the pot when it’s needed.

Cooking is such a methodical, organised part of my life when life can be anything but organised and methodical.

This chicken and chorizo paella recipe was perfect for me to get my knife skills in action chopping onions, garlic, capsicum and chorizo. It was also the first time for me to cook paella and I will certainly be making this one again.

Chicken and chorizo paella

Chicken and chorizo paella
Adapted from Jamie Oliver does…

Serves 6-8

Ingredients
Olive oil
2 raw chorizo sausages, thickly sliced
300g cooked chicken, roughly chopped
1 green pepper, deseeded and roughly chopped
1 red pepper, deseeded and roughly chopped
5 cloves of garlic, peeled and roughly chopped
1 onion, peeled and roughly chopped
a small bunch of fresh parsley, leaves picked and roughly chopped, stalks finely chopped
sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
a good pinch of saffron
300g Arborio rice
200g jarred red peppers in oil, drained and roughly chopped
400g can of diced tomatoes
1 litre of chicken or vegetable stock
150g snow peas, sliced thinly at an angle
1 lemon

Method

Heat a large wide-based pan over a medium heat and add a glug of olive oil and the sliced chorizo (if you use uncooked chicken add it to the chorizo). Fry for around 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. As soon as the chorizo starts taking on colour and the fat is beginning to cook out of it, add the chopped peppers, garlic, onion and parsley stalks along with a good pinch of salt and pepper and the saffron. Fry gently for another 10 minutes, or until the vegetables have begun to soften.

Add the rice and jarred peppers and keep stirring for a few minutes until the rice is coated in all the lovely flavours, then pour in the tinned tomatoes and 800ml of stock, seasoning again with salt and pepper. Bring everything to the boil, then turn down to a medium to low heat and stir constantly for about 15 minutes. Make sure the rice doesn’t stick to the bottom of the pan as it absorbs the liquid, so keep stirring.

After 15 minutes the rice should be cooked, but still have a bit of a bite. Add the cooked chicken at this point. You may want to add an extra splash of stock here if the rice looks a bit dry. Keep stirring and cook for another 5 minutes or until chicken heats through. Add your green beans and cook for a further 5 minutes while stirring. Stir in the chopped parsley and the juice from half your lemon. Cut the other half of the lemon into wedges for serving. Enjoy!

Doing the blog hop

It’s time for some blog hopping. GALUMPH!

What’s a blog hop? Well I only found out myself three days ago thanks to my wonderful friend Sarah from Pearls of Willsdom (this is your cue to follow her as she’s down right hilarious, but at other times she’ll move you to tears. She’s also on Facebook here). A blog hop is similar to the good ol’ chain letter, but lucky for me, there’s no horrible impending disaster threatened to occur if I don’t do this one. Bonus!

This blog hop is about my writing, something that’s caused me great anxiety for years. Even though I was in communications/PR for 15 years. AND even though I write a blog. Go figure.

So here it goes:

How does my writing differ from others in its genre?

I must admit it’s pretty hard to stand out in the food blogging arena simply because there are SO many of us. I think mine has been better received ever since I started being honest about my own struggle with mental health. Suddenly I feel the blog is a wonderful outlet for me to share my daily struggles while adding in a good dose of therapy through my cooking.

Why do I write what I do?

It’s very simple - to build awareness about mental illness.

For quite sometime I’ve wanted to give my experience with poor mental health a purpose. That purpose is to break down stigma surrounding mental illness and maybe help some other people along the way realise they’re not alone.

How does my writing process work?

Depends on the post. Some are harder to write then others. Like the one on binge eating. That one was written, rewritten, rewritten again, and then left to sit for over a week. After that I did some more rewriting and realised I was so nervous about telling that story. Finally I hit publish and it’s been the most viewed post on my blog.

When it comes to writing the recipes they’ve all been tested by me. I try to make them as simple as possible, hence why a lot of them are modified from other recipes just so I can give it my own unique touch.

Why do I write?

Because I have to. It’s as simple as that. I have too many thoughts that go on in my head and by writing them down I can give them some sort of order and understanding.

What am I working on?

I’m currently working on a post, which will be a compassionate letter to myself. I’m also working on getting back into a working life and not letting my anxieties get the better of me. I’m not sure who’s winning that battle, yet.

Now I get to choose three blogs that I follow that get to do the blog hop next. But as I don’t follow many blogs, and one is the one I already mentioned, Pearls of Willsdom, I’m just choosing two blogs for you to enjoy.

Me and my 2 guys
Bree is a hooker, stitcher, cooker and an all round bonza chick. I love the amazing things she creates from quilts to shawls, beanies to bunting, all while bringing up two children. You can follow her on Facebook here.

Bizzy Lizzy’s good things
Now this woman can cook and write. I love Liz’s zest for the cooking life and the importance of cooking with local, seasonal produce. She has a long history of working in the food industry so she knows what she’s talking about. You can read more about her here.  

A serve of stubbornness with a side of veggies

I have a stubborn streak. A real stubborn streak. In fact my stubborn streak can get so bad I can refuse to do the simple things, like brush my teeth everyday or brush my hair, just because I’ve been told self-grooming (which goes out the window during a depressive stage) is important for my recovery. Phffft to self-grooming. Phffft to recovery. 

I know, childish, right?

My stubborn streak’s always been around, it’s just I didn’t realise how bad it was until I was chatting with my psychologist a few weeks ago. For example, I’ve never been one to go for anything mainstream: popular fiction, phffft; popular band, absolutely no way; popular television show, get real. In fact, if I do find myself loving something popular, like Game of Thrones, I’m shocked when I can understand all the references made about it. I’m so used to being one of those people that says, ‘what’s that?’, ‘who’s that?’, ‘never heard of them’. Stubborn? Slightly.

Then there’s the stubbornness I have when I’m given advice on getting ‘over’ my depression. I simply try to shut people down or tell them I’m already aware of whatever it is they’re telling me. Totally stubborn.

Or when a conversation turns to health and I take everything as a personal affront and so, first, get mad, and then ignore the conversation that’s taking place around me. Ignorance is, after all, bliss, right?

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not that much of a stubborn git to not abide by the law. Good girl, Fiona. I also follow the social conventions of friendship (I’ve watched too much Big Bang Theory with that statement. HA, which is popular…but had become too popular so I stopped watching it. Damn it!), which is partly why I have such wonderful friends around me (the other part is because I’m secretly slipping them illicit drugs to keep them thinking I’m a joy to be around).

However, finding more and more examples of being stubborn doesn’t shed any light on WHY I’m stubborn. So this week my psychologist and I did a little more digging into the life and times of Fiona Tristram. We spoke a bit more about stubbornness itself, and then touched on being compassionate to oneself, the feeling of empowerment and what happens when you lack control over your own life. She then steered me to two TED talks by Brené Brown, one on vulnerability the other on shame. (Btw both are fabulous talks.)

Mixing what I’ve learnt all together this is what I’ve come away with: Stubbornness can come from fear, which is simply a cover for shame – shame of failure, shame of rejection, shame of vulnerability. What I really need is to accept my vulnerabilities because it’s in these vulnerabilities that I’ll find honesty within and about myself.

Simply put, it’s about being kinder to myself and accepting who I am, imperfections and all.

Of course we’ve all heard this before. I need to love me for me…blah blah blah. But who really LISTENS to it? Who really BELIEVES they are okay EXACTLY AS THEY ARE? Not bigger, smaller, smarter, funnier, wiser, faster, prettier, more masculine, stronger, fitter, BETTER. Who?

Ladies and Gentlemen, we ALL have vulnerabilities. One of mine is my weight, but every time someone talks about their health around me doesn’t mean they’re trying to send me a coded message to lose weight. It’s not all about me, after all.

Maybe to release me of my stubbornness, which only holds me back, I need to understand my vulnerabilities more. I need to understand what scares the bejesus out of me and then, compassionately, I need to accept that fear. I have a feeling that by accepting it, it will no longer have such a strong hold on me.

In order to start being compassionate to my body I’ve made this easy vegetable soup recipe. It’s good for my health, good for my taste buds and good for my soul. I hope you enjoy it.

Are you stubborn? Do you think you know why? 

Vegetable soup with crumbled feta

Vegetable soup with crumbled feta
By The Self-Raising Kitchen

Serves 6

Ingredients
50g butter
2 leeks, finely sliced
1 carrot, diced
300g cauliflower, roughly chopped
600g sweet potato, roughly chopped
2 celery sticks, diced
6 sprigs of thyme
1 bay leaf
750ml chicken or vegetable stock
Salt and pepper

Method
In a saucepan melt the butter on a medium heat. Then add leeks, carrot, celery, thyme and bay leaf. Cook for 5 minutes or until the leeks turn translucent.

Add cauliflower, sweet potato and stock. Bring to the boil and then simmer until vegetables are really soft. Take saucepan off the stove. With a stick blender puree the soup until a smooth consistency. Season to taste.

Serve in bowls topped with some crumbled feta and a small dash of extra virgin olive oil.

Crispy soy-roasted pork belly

Hands up who loves pork crackling? I mean, unless you’re vegetarian, what’s not to like about this salty, crispy, flavoursome piece of scrumminess?

I’ve been hanging out with my brother and his family on Boyne Island, just near Gladstone, Queensland, for the week. As a wee thank you for them having me I decided to treat us all to a meal of pork belly with steamed greens. 

I found this recipe by one of my favourite Australian chefs, Kylie Kwong. I’ve cooked a number of her recipes and have always been happy with the results.

However, the method used in this recipe guaranteed crispy crackling. It did not happen. Not happy, Jan! So I had to resort to my foolproof method for crackling, which is putting it under the grill at the end of cooking the meat. Always keep an eye on it so it doesn’t burn, but if the skin is going to crackle at all, it will do it via this method.

The taste of the meat was sensational, though. Because it’s marinated overnight the flavour of the five spice went through the meat beautifully. And the slow cooking process leaves the meat succulent.

What’s your foolproof way of making crackling?

My other pork belly recipe is Chinese red roast pork belly.

Crispy soy-roasted pork belly

Crispy soy-roasted pork belly
from Simple Chinese Cooking Class by Kylie Kwong

Ingredients
1 × 800g piece of free-range boneless pork belly, skin on and scored (ask your butcher to do this)
500ml boiling water
1 tbsp sesame oil
1 tbsp salt flakes
For the marinade
2 tbsp brown rice miso paste
1 tbsp five-spice powder
1 tbsp brown sugar
1 tbsp light soy sauce

Method
Place pork belly, skin-side up, on a wire rack over the sink. Pour over boiling water to scald the pork skin – this will help the skin crisp up into crunchy crackling.

Pat rind thoroughly dry with kitchen paper and place pork, uncovered, in refrigerator for two hours.

Remove pork from fridge and place, skin-side up, on a chopping board. Using the tip of a sharp knife, stab the pork skin repeatedly until the surface is covered with holes, being careful not to go all the way through. Turn the pork belly over and make cuts about 2cm apart and 1cm deep.

Combine marinade ingredients in a bowl and mix well. Rub marinade evenly over the flesh side of the pork (not the skin) and massage well into the cuts.

Place pork, skin-side up, on a wire rack (this same rack will be used for roasting the pork, so make sure it is ovenproof and fits inside a roasting tin) and place over a tray or large plate to catch any drips. Place in refrigerator and leave pork uncovered overnight, during which time the skin will dry out. The drier the skin, the better the crackling when roasted.

The next day, bring pork to room temperature and preheat oven to 150°C (300F).

Transfer pork and wire rack to a roasting tin. Rub skin well with the sesame oil, then scatter salt all over. Roast for 1½–2 hours or until tender (to test, pierce the meat with a skewer – you should meet no resistance). Increase the oven temperature to 220°C (430F) and continue roasting for 15 minutes. This final blast of heat will crisp up the skin, turning it into crackling.

Remove pork from oven and allow to rest, uncovered, in a warm place for 15 minutes. To serve, cut into 1cm slices. Serve as part of a banquet for four people.

Smoked salmon chowder and no-knead bread

Do you fancy yourself as a baker or a cook?

I am certainly the latter. The problem with me and baking is the precision needed. Precision is not my forte. I’m more of a feel-as-I-go, lots-of-tasting kind of girl.

That’s why bread making is not really my thing. HOWEVER, this no-knead bread recipe that I found in my sister’s latest edition of Donna Hay is a WINNER, people. It involved a bit of stirring to bind everything, a little patience and then some quick cutting and manoeuvring of some very sticky, wet dough. Whack it in the oven and Bob’s your Uncle, so to speak.

The bread goes incredibly well with this divine and ridiculously simple salmon chowder. We had plenty for leftovers and it was delicious warmed up, again, two days later. 

Campbell’s liquid stock now does a fish stock so that should be easy to find in your local supermarket. The smoked salmon fillet can be found where the sliced smoked salmon is in the cold section. Supermarkets provide a packet with off cuts of fillets, which are cheaper and work perfectly fine in this recipe. 

Other than that, tuck into these two delightful recipes and enjoy. 

Smoked Salmon chowder with corn and dill.

Smoked salmon chowder with corn and dill

Adapted from Donna Hay magazine Issue 75

Serves 6 

Ingredients 

50g unsalted butter
2 leeks, trimmed and thinly sliced
3 cloves garlic, crushed
600g potatoes, peeled and chopped
1 litre fish stock
100g crème fraîche
370g smoked salmon fillet, skin removed and flaked
2 corn cobs, kernals removed
1 teaspoon finely grated lemon rind
juice of one lemon
¼ cup dill sprigs
salt and pepper

Method
Melt the butter in a large saucepan over medium heat. Add the leek and cook for 4 minutes or until soft. Add in the garlic and cook for 1 minute. Add the potato, stock, salt and pepper and cook, covered, for 10 minutes or until the potato is soft.

Remove from the heat and, using a hand-held stick blender, blend to a thick soup. Return the soup to a medium heat, add the crème fraîche, salmon, corn and dill and cook for 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Check seasoning and add salt or pepper if required.

Add the lemon rind and half of the juice, stir to combine. Taste and ensure the lemon is to your liking. Add more if needed. Serve with no-knead bread rolls.

No-knead bread

No-knead bread rolls
From Donna Hay magazine Issue 75

Ingredients
4½ cups (675g) ‘00’ flour
1¼ teaspoon active dry yeast
3 teaspoons extra virgin olive oil
1½ teaspoons table salt
2⅓ cups (580ml) water

Method
Place all the ingredients in a large bowl and mix to form a wet sticky dough. Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and allow to stand for 4 hours or until dough has tripled in size and has large bubbles.

Turn out onto a well-floured surface, divide into 7 pieces and shape into rounds. Oil the base of a 30cm-round heavy-based ovenproof saucepan with flour and place the rounds inside. Cover the pan with plastic wrap and allow to stand for a further 30 minutes or until the dough has doubled in size.

Preheat oven to 220°C. Remove the plastic, cover the saucepan with a tight-fitting lid and bake for 20 minutes. Remove the lid and cook for a further 20 minutes, or until the bread is golden and sounds hollow when tapped lightly. Turn out and allow to cool completely on a wire rack. Makes 7 rolls.

No-knead bread

Simplicity and Rick Stein's beef in white wine

Simplicity in life and simplicity in cooking is always the best in my books

With a world moving faster and faster, information just one click away, food already picked or slaughtered for us, billboards of wants flashing up everywhere our eyes will and can travel to…it’s no wonder stress is such a prominent condition amongst us.

For this reason I like to STOP and revel in the sound of rain pattering on the roof, take delight in the almost uncontainable squeals of my nieces laughing and snuggle in close to my dear little dachshund, Pipsqueak. These are the things that make me happy. So simple.

Today I want to share with you a wonderfully simple and incredibly flavoursome dish from one of my favourite celebrity chefs, Rick Stein. I cooked this a few days ago for my parents and we were amazed be the depth of flavour. I think the trick with this recipe is to make sure you very gently cook those onions for the 30 minutes Rick suggests. It makes them incredibly sweet and helps make this stew rich and comforting, perfect for these winter months. Impatience will not do this recipe justice, so please find your Zen self prior to the commencement of chopping.

Enjoy! 

Rick Stein's beef in white wine Oviedo style

Beef in white wine Oviedo style (Spanish)

from Spain by Rick Stein

Serves 6

Ingredients
1.5kg chuck or blade steak (I used chuck)
7 tbsp olive oil (who measures oil?)
600g onions, chopped into 1 cm pieces
10 garlic cloves, crushed
6 fresh bay leaves (I couldn’t find fresh so just used dried instead)
300ml dry white wine
300g small carrots cut into 5cm lengths
Salt and freshly ground pepper

Method
Trim the meat of any fat and gristle and cut it into 3cm chunks. Season well with salt and pepper.

Heat 2 tablespoons of the olive oil in a large flameproof casserole and fry the beef in batches until nicely browned. Set aside on a plate.

Add the remaining olive oil and the onions, garlic, bay leaves and ½ teaspoon of salt to the pan and cook very gently over a low heat for 30 minutes until the onions are soft and sweet and golden.

Return the beef to the pan, add the wine, bring to the boil and season with another ½ teaspoon of salt and some freshly ground black pepper. Cover and leave to simmer gently for 2 hours, stirring now and then.

Uncover, add the carrots, re-cover and cook for a further 30 minutes until the wine and meat juices have combined with the onions to make a thick sauce and the meat is meltingly tender. Adjust the seasoning to taste.

I served this with mash potato because I was in a real comfort mood. Rick suggests serving it with fried potatoes or patatas fritas.

For the hate and love of it

Image by pincel3d

Have you ever had to stand up to someone you loved or respected about a subject you know neither of you are going to happily agree upon? Did you manage to get your point across without having your heart bounce out of your mouth? Did you manage to do it while standing firm on your point? 
It’s horrible, isn’t it? Made only worse because the person you’re trying to get on board with what you believe is someone special in your life. It would be a whole lot easier saying your peace to a complete stranger who you didn’t care about what they thought of you.

I’ve had to have this sort of discussion twice this week, once with my father and once with my psychiatrist.

I’m exhausted!

As I discussed here my doctor wants me to start looking for work. What I didn’t like was how this subject was broached. For that reason I had to suck up my fear of confrontation and tell my dear doctor that I was not happy. I got butterflies in my tummy, my breathing was laboured and my palms were all sweaty. You see I always feel like a 12 year old when I have to confront an adult. Why? No idea. I’ll leave that for the psychological experts to work out. But I did it. YAY me! One confrontation down.

The next little issue I have is I don’t want to work in an office job, which I’ve been doing for the last 17 years; 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, 48 weeks a year. Of course, it’s secure (well, as secure as any job is now days), it pays superannuation, it pays your tax, basically all you have to do is show up to work, do what you’re told, show a little initiative every now and then, and you’re set. And I HATE it.

I HATE being on show to supervisors eight hours a day. I HATE having to write crap about things I don’t believe in (I’m in communications), I HATE high heels, I HATE business suits, I HATE peak hour, I HATE wanky words like improved productivity, quick wins, doing more with less, regroup, strategic fit, push the envelope, elevator pitch, the front line, knowledge transfer, robust, fast track…BULLSHIT BINGO.

Yes, to me it is total bullshit and I hate it.

And the worst one of all, and one I’ve never managed to escape, I HATE office politics. It exists everywhere and infests everyone feeding off small mindedness, egos, low self-esteem and extreme ambition.

The hard part about all of this hatred was telling my dad I just wanted to work from home, for the time being, proofreading student assignments. I almost felt the house rumble beneath my feet from his concern for my well-being and exacerbation over my stubbornness to no longer want to conform to the safe and secure working culture.

But I DON’T want to CONFORM!

I know it was fear he felt, too, for me not getting a stable job therefore the possibility I could become stressed due to no money, which unfortunately can trigger my bipolar into action (the stress, not the money).

The thing is I’m a very emotional, deep thinking, creative soul and for the first time I want to set my wings free.

I LOVE this blog, I LOVE writing, I LOVE the freedom it offers, I LOVE not feeling stressed, I LOVE being inspired by new ideas, I LOVE caring about other people, I LOVE seeing new places, I LOVE watching the stars in the sky, I LOVE cooking for my loved ones, I LOVE food, I LOVE learning new things, I LOVE spending time with my nieces, I LOVE having cuddles with my puppy.

Is it wrong to dream, to hope, to believe, to LOVE? What can I do with these loves that will lead me to a content life?

So I’m two confrontations down and I’m still standing. Yes, they were hard and in both cases I could have been more articulate…but I did it. And I’m proud of me for that. The thing I need to remember is they don’t have to agree with what I’m saying or doing, but that we respect each other enough to have our own opinions voiced. And I feel we did this.

My journey back into workhood will continue. I pray, however, that these wings on my back get to have a fly in them soon.

Have you ever been faced with difficult work choices between what’s safe and what’s for the love of it?
How do you deal with confrontation?

Jamie Oliver's Lamb Fricassee

I love this dish AND I even stick to the recipe when making it. Shock!

To begin, lots of chopping is needed, but what a perfect way to practice your mindfulness skills while making something delicious for dinner. Once everything’s chopped it’s pretty straightforward cooking for such fabulous rewards.

The fabulous Jamie Oliver does…Spain, Italy,
Morocco, Sweden, Greece and France

  Jamie Oliver writes (or his copy editor does) a lovely introduction to this recipe leaving your mouth watering:

“Many people will find the idea of cooking lettuce in a stew weird, but to be honest, lettuce used to be really commonplace in soups and stews in Britain as well as in Greece. One thing’s for sure, you won’t regret trying this. Halfway through the cooking, the lettuce and dill won’t look their best, but this stage is all about developing bold flavours, richness and making sure the meat melts in your mouth. At the next stage you’ll be doing something to pimp it up so it looks beautiful and slaps you around the face with its flavours: by enriching this fricassee with avgolemono (mixed egg yolks and lemon), and just a touch of Greek yoghurt, you get a thickness and a shine that really bring the flavours together to perfection. Don’t miss giving this one a go.”

I hope you enjoy this dish as much as I do.

Jamie Oliver’s Lamb Fricassee
From his Jamie Does… cook book

Serves 6 

My own delicious lamb fricassee

Ingredients
olive oil
1.2kb boned leg of lamb, trimmed and cut into 4cm pieces
1 medium onion, peeled and finely sliced
4 cloves of garlic, peeled and finely chopped
2 bunches of spring onions, trimmed and finely sliced
2 heads of cos or romaine lettuce, washed and finely shredded (I’ve also used iceberg before with good results)
a bunch of fresh dill, finely chopped (stalks and all)
sea salt and freshly ground pepper
200ml Greek yoghurt

For the avgolemono sauce
2 large eggs, lightly beaten
juice of 1.5 lemons

Method
Heat a few lugs of olive oil over a medium heat in a large saucepan and add the pieces of lamb. Stir and cook for and 5 to 7 minutes, until the lamb is brown all over – you will need to do this in batches. Once done, that the meat out of the pan and add the onion, garlic and spring onions. Cook for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally, until the onions begin to soften, but not colour, then put the meat back into the pan.

Stir in the shredded lettuce and most of the dill and cook for a few more minutes, stirring constantly, until the lettuce has wilted. Add a few good pinches of salt and pepper and just enough water to cover the stew. Bring to the boil, then turn the heat down to a really low simmer, cover with a lid, and let it tick away for 1.5 to 2 hours. After this time remove the lid and cook for a further 30 minutes, or until the lamb is beautifully cooked and pulls apart easily (nine times out of ten the lamb will be perfect after this time, but it does depend on your size of pot and the age of your lamb). Keep an eye on it as it cooks and add a splash of water if it looks like it’s drying out.

When you’re happy with the consistency, make the avgolemono sauce by whisking together the eggs and lemon juice until combined, then stir in a dessertspoon of Greek yoghurt and a splash of water if need be. The yoghurt isn’t traditional, but it adds a nice creaminess Jamie Oliver loves. Your stew should be happily simmering away, so take it off the heat and very gently stir the avgolemono through it. You don’t want to over-stir or the eggs will begin to set. Pop the lid on and leave for a few minutes.

Have a taste and add another pinch of salt and pepper or a squeeze of lemon juice if it needs it. Sprinkle over your reserved dill, then take the pan straight to the table so that everyone can help themselves. Serve with a tomato salad, the rest of the Greek yoghurt for dolloping over, and crusty bread or mash to mop up that delicious meaty sauce.

Facing a lion and Blueberry upside down cake

Have you ever feared something so great that all the blood rushed from your head and the breath left your lungs? 

I don't mean fear like if you're caught in an armed hold up or running from a hungry lion. I mean what others could judge as being unfathomable fear: the fear of public speaking, the fear of driving a car, the fear of great heights or the fear of tiny spiders. 

Do you think our brain knows the difference between the fear of running for your life from a lion or running from a spider? Ask a person paralysed by spiders, who is unable to utter a single word or move a muscle while that spider is 'hunting' them down. Do they think their fear is any less than the person paralysed by a would be lion attack? Fear is fear after all, is it not?

This week I have been going through my own unfathomable fear, and it's caused me to lash out at those very people trying to help me. It's also left me in a dark pit of despair and shaken me to my very core.

What could this great fear be?

My doctor says I need to go back to work.

Doesn't sound like much, does it? But to me, hearing those words sent me into fight or flight. First, I fought those attacking words with my own attacking words on why I'm not ready to go into a workplace after an almost 12 month hiatus. Then I went into flight response and simply became mute while my doctor talked to me about the importance of this next step in my recovery process. I responded with no eye contact and no words. What could I say, after all?

For all my brain knew someone could have been threatening my life. Our brains are smart, but they aren't that smart to work out the variances in fear. My brain was telling me this woman was threatening my life. How was I to work when my concentration can't even get through a page in a book? How was I to fit into a workplace for a whole day when spending a few hours with dear loved ones exhausts me? What work am I going to do? I can't do what I've been doing for the last 16 years because it's too stressful. Where do I go? What do I do? How do I do it? How will I cope? The lion had caught me and I was awaiting the final death blow.

It's been a few days now since this experience. Slowly I'm coming back out of my darkness. Slowly the fear is ebbing away. Slowly.

You see very little rational thinking can be done when you're in a state of fear. Does this excuse my behaviour? No, I don't think it does. What it does mean is I have to learn more tools to control that fear. I have to work with my support team by admitting I'm scared and that we need to work on some coping strategies. Most of all I need to not let this lion beat me, but to learn to run with it instead.

Today I'm dusting myself off and getting my apron back on. It's my dear old uni friend's birthday and she deserves the very biggest of smiles from me PLUS a birthday cake. A blueberry upside down cake should do the trick for a very upside down kind of week.

Blueberry upside down cake
Adapted from Thibeault's Table

Blueberry upside down cake

Ingredients
60g melted butter
1/2 cup brown sugar
2 cups blueberries (fresh or Frozen)
1 tablespoon lemon juice
125g butter
3/4 cup granulated sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla or vanilla bean paste
1 1/3 cups plain flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon cinnamon (optional)
3/4 cup milk

Method
In a 20cm diameter round cake tin, combine melted butter and brown sugar. Spread evenly on bottom of tin. Spread blueberries evenly over top. Sprinkle with lemon juice.

Cream butter and sugar, beating until light. Beat in egg and vanilla. Mix together flour, baking powder, and cinnamon if using. Add dry ingredients alternately with milk to creamed mixture. Spread batter evenly over blueberry layer.

Bake in 180°C oven for 45 to 50 minutes or until toothpick inserted in centre comes out clean. Let cool 10 minutes in pan, then turn out onto large flat plate.

Babysitting and a hearty chicken & quinoa stew

Brisbane is slowly heading into winter. Slowly. I love winter and the reason is twofold. One, I don't have to wade my way through the humidity with clothes sticking to areas of my body that they were never meant to meet. And two, I get to enjoy making - and eating - delicious slow cooked stews and other warm, comforting, not necessarily meant for everyday consumption, food. How can you not like winter in Brisbane?

This change in temperature has prompted me to make my sister's family a hearty chicken and quinoa stew. Simple, healthy and comforting.

So why does my adorable sister and her family get this? For the last few days I've had to move in with them due to my parents having a mini break up at Noosa. So why does this 36 year old need to be babysat by her sister? Basically we all decided, my psychiatrist included, that I tend to go to very dark places when on my own. So, here enters wonderful family and friends who agree to take me in while I find my feet again, and while my poor parents have a break.

The one thing I can do as a thank you is cook a meal. My sister and brother-in-law are flat out with work and looking after their three wonderful daughters, who are 8, 5 and 2. A meal cooked for them all is one less job they need to complete, right? Also, those girls mean everything to me so I'm extremely happy to be with them and helping out (although only in a small way). And the excitement in those girls eyes when I came with my suitcase was quite simply priceless.

This dish is for all you busy people out there. It's so simple and super tasty. Even if you aren't a cook this one is worth a try.

Hearty chicken and quinoa stew

Hearty chicken and quinoa stew
Adapted from Cookin' Canuck
Serves 8

Ingredients
1kg chicken breast
1 onion, diced
4 cloves garlic, diced
4 cups (500ml) chicken stock
400g can diced tomato
700g butternut pumpkin, cubed
1 cup uncooked quinoa, washed
1 tbsp dried mixed herbs
1/2 cup firmly packed, roughly chopped olives
400g can cannellini beans
400g can butter beans
salt and pepper
1/4 cup chopped parsley, leave some for garnish
lemon wedges to serve

Method
Gently fry the onions and garlic together until translucent. Add in the chicken, stock, tomatoes, pumpkin, quinoa and mixed herbs. Bring to the boil and simmer until chicken is cooked through.

Remove chicken and shred. Add back into the stew. Add olives and beans, cook for a further 10 minutes. Turn heat off, add chopped parsley.

Serve with a wedge of lemon and parsley on top.

You don't get much easier than that.