12 June 2014

For the hate and love of it

Image by pincel3d

Have you ever had to stand up to someone you loved or respected about a subject you know neither of you are going to happily agree upon? Did you manage to get your point across without having your heart bounce out of your mouth? Did you manage to do it while standing firm on your point? 
It’s horrible, isn’t it? Made only worse because the person you’re trying to get on board with what you believe is someone special in your life. It would be a whole lot easier saying your peace to a complete stranger who you didn’t care about what they thought of you.

I’ve had to have this sort of discussion twice this week, once with my father and once with my psychiatrist.

I’m exhausted!

As I discussed here my doctor wants me to start looking for work. What I didn’t like was how this subject was broached. For that reason I had to suck up my fear of confrontation and tell my dear doctor that I was not happy. I got butterflies in my tummy, my breathing was laboured and my palms were all sweaty. You see I always feel like a 12 year old when I have to confront an adult. Why? No idea. I’ll leave that for the psychological experts to work out. But I did it. YAY me! One confrontation down.

The next little issue I have is I don’t want to work in an office job, which I’ve been doing for the last 17 years; 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, 48 weeks a year. Of course, it’s secure (well, as secure as any job is now days), it pays superannuation, it pays your tax, basically all you have to do is show up to work, do what you’re told, show a little initiative every now and then, and you’re set. And I HATE it.

I HATE being on show to supervisors eight hours a day. I HATE having to write crap about things I don’t believe in (I’m in communications), I HATE high heels, I HATE business suits, I HATE peak hour, I HATE wanky words like improved productivity, quick wins, doing more with less, regroup, strategic fit, push the envelope, elevator pitch, the front line, knowledge transfer, robust, fast track…BULLSHIT BINGO.

Yes, to me it is total bullshit and I hate it.

And the worst one of all, and one I’ve never managed to escape, I HATE office politics. It exists everywhere and infests everyone feeding off small mindedness, egos, low self-esteem and extreme ambition.

The hard part about all of this hatred was telling my dad I just wanted to work from home, for the time being, proofreading student assignments. I almost felt the house rumble beneath my feet from his concern for my well-being and exacerbation over my stubbornness to no longer want to conform to the safe and secure working culture.

But I DON’T want to CONFORM!

I know it was fear he felt, too, for me not getting a stable job therefore the possibility I could become stressed due to no money, which unfortunately can trigger my bipolar into action (the stress, not the money).

The thing is I’m a very emotional, deep thinking, creative soul and for the first time I want to set my wings free.

I LOVE this blog, I LOVE writing, I LOVE the freedom it offers, I LOVE not feeling stressed, I LOVE being inspired by new ideas, I LOVE caring about other people, I LOVE seeing new places, I LOVE watching the stars in the sky, I LOVE cooking for my loved ones, I LOVE food, I LOVE learning new things, I LOVE spending time with my nieces, I LOVE having cuddles with my puppy.

Is it wrong to dream, to hope, to believe, to LOVE? What can I do with these loves that will lead me to a content life?

So I’m two confrontations down and I’m still standing. Yes, they were hard and in both cases I could have been more articulate…but I did it. And I’m proud of me for that. The thing I need to remember is they don’t have to agree with what I’m saying or doing, but that we respect each other enough to have our own opinions voiced. And I feel we did this.

My journey back into workhood will continue. I pray, however, that these wings on my back get to have a fly in them soon.

Have you ever been faced with difficult work choices between what’s safe and what’s for the love of it?
How do you deal with confrontation?

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