For the hate and love of it

Image by pincel3d

Have you ever had to stand up to someone you loved or respected about a subject you know neither of you are going to happily agree upon? Did you manage to get your point across without having your heart bounce out of your mouth? Did you manage to do it while standing firm on your point? 
It’s horrible, isn’t it? Made only worse because the person you’re trying to get on board with what you believe is someone special in your life. It would be a whole lot easier saying your peace to a complete stranger who you didn’t care about what they thought of you.

I’ve had to have this sort of discussion twice this week, once with my father and once with my psychiatrist.

I’m exhausted!

As I discussed here my doctor wants me to start looking for work. What I didn’t like was how this subject was broached. For that reason I had to suck up my fear of confrontation and tell my dear doctor that I was not happy. I got butterflies in my tummy, my breathing was laboured and my palms were all sweaty. You see I always feel like a 12 year old when I have to confront an adult. Why? No idea. I’ll leave that for the psychological experts to work out. But I did it. YAY me! One confrontation down.

The next little issue I have is I don’t want to work in an office job, which I’ve been doing for the last 17 years; 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, 48 weeks a year. Of course, it’s secure (well, as secure as any job is now days), it pays superannuation, it pays your tax, basically all you have to do is show up to work, do what you’re told, show a little initiative every now and then, and you’re set. And I HATE it.

I HATE being on show to supervisors eight hours a day. I HATE having to write crap about things I don’t believe in (I’m in communications), I HATE high heels, I HATE business suits, I HATE peak hour, I HATE wanky words like improved productivity, quick wins, doing more with less, regroup, strategic fit, push the envelope, elevator pitch, the front line, knowledge transfer, robust, fast track…BULLSHIT BINGO.

Yes, to me it is total bullshit and I hate it.

And the worst one of all, and one I’ve never managed to escape, I HATE office politics. It exists everywhere and infests everyone feeding off small mindedness, egos, low self-esteem and extreme ambition.

The hard part about all of this hatred was telling my dad I just wanted to work from home, for the time being, proofreading student assignments. I almost felt the house rumble beneath my feet from his concern for my well-being and exacerbation over my stubbornness to no longer want to conform to the safe and secure working culture.

But I DON’T want to CONFORM!

I know it was fear he felt, too, for me not getting a stable job therefore the possibility I could become stressed due to no money, which unfortunately can trigger my bipolar into action (the stress, not the money).

The thing is I’m a very emotional, deep thinking, creative soul and for the first time I want to set my wings free.

I LOVE this blog, I LOVE writing, I LOVE the freedom it offers, I LOVE not feeling stressed, I LOVE being inspired by new ideas, I LOVE caring about other people, I LOVE seeing new places, I LOVE watching the stars in the sky, I LOVE cooking for my loved ones, I LOVE food, I LOVE learning new things, I LOVE spending time with my nieces, I LOVE having cuddles with my puppy.

Is it wrong to dream, to hope, to believe, to LOVE? What can I do with these loves that will lead me to a content life?

So I’m two confrontations down and I’m still standing. Yes, they were hard and in both cases I could have been more articulate…but I did it. And I’m proud of me for that. The thing I need to remember is they don’t have to agree with what I’m saying or doing, but that we respect each other enough to have our own opinions voiced. And I feel we did this.

My journey back into workhood will continue. I pray, however, that these wings on my back get to have a fly in them soon.

Have you ever been faced with difficult work choices between what’s safe and what’s for the love of it?
How do you deal with confrontation?

Facing a lion and Blueberry upside down cake

Have you ever feared something so great that all the blood rushed from your head and the breath left your lungs? 

I don't mean fear like if you're caught in an armed hold up or running from a hungry lion. I mean what others could judge as being unfathomable fear: the fear of public speaking, the fear of driving a car, the fear of great heights or the fear of tiny spiders. 

Do you think our brain knows the difference between the fear of running for your life from a lion or running from a spider? Ask a person paralysed by spiders, who is unable to utter a single word or move a muscle while that spider is 'hunting' them down. Do they think their fear is any less than the person paralysed by a would be lion attack? Fear is fear after all, is it not?

This week I have been going through my own unfathomable fear, and it's caused me to lash out at those very people trying to help me. It's also left me in a dark pit of despair and shaken me to my very core.

What could this great fear be?

My doctor says I need to go back to work.

Doesn't sound like much, does it? But to me, hearing those words sent me into fight or flight. First, I fought those attacking words with my own attacking words on why I'm not ready to go into a workplace after an almost 12 month hiatus. Then I went into flight response and simply became mute while my doctor talked to me about the importance of this next step in my recovery process. I responded with no eye contact and no words. What could I say, after all?

For all my brain knew someone could have been threatening my life. Our brains are smart, but they aren't that smart to work out the variances in fear. My brain was telling me this woman was threatening my life. How was I to work when my concentration can't even get through a page in a book? How was I to fit into a workplace for a whole day when spending a few hours with dear loved ones exhausts me? What work am I going to do? I can't do what I've been doing for the last 16 years because it's too stressful. Where do I go? What do I do? How do I do it? How will I cope? The lion had caught me and I was awaiting the final death blow.

It's been a few days now since this experience. Slowly I'm coming back out of my darkness. Slowly the fear is ebbing away. Slowly.

You see very little rational thinking can be done when you're in a state of fear. Does this excuse my behaviour? No, I don't think it does. What it does mean is I have to learn more tools to control that fear. I have to work with my support team by admitting I'm scared and that we need to work on some coping strategies. Most of all I need to not let this lion beat me, but to learn to run with it instead.

Today I'm dusting myself off and getting my apron back on. It's my dear old uni friend's birthday and she deserves the very biggest of smiles from me PLUS a birthday cake. A blueberry upside down cake should do the trick for a very upside down kind of week.

Blueberry upside down cake
Adapted from Thibeault's Table

Blueberry upside down cake

Ingredients
60g melted butter
1/2 cup brown sugar
2 cups blueberries (fresh or Frozen)
1 tablespoon lemon juice
125g butter
3/4 cup granulated sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla or vanilla bean paste
1 1/3 cups plain flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon cinnamon (optional)
3/4 cup milk

Method
In a 20cm diameter round cake tin, combine melted butter and brown sugar. Spread evenly on bottom of tin. Spread blueberries evenly over top. Sprinkle with lemon juice.

Cream butter and sugar, beating until light. Beat in egg and vanilla. Mix together flour, baking powder, and cinnamon if using. Add dry ingredients alternately with milk to creamed mixture. Spread batter evenly over blueberry layer.

Bake in 180°C oven for 45 to 50 minutes or until toothpick inserted in centre comes out clean. Let cool 10 minutes in pan, then turn out onto large flat plate.